WHERE CHATTERS GO TO TALK ABOUT OFF TOPIC STUFF!
As some of you may have noticed, despite being one of the original "Big 4" PPVs the WWE runs, along with Wrestlemania, Summerslam and the Royal Rumble, while I did the tribute to the Undertaker, I did not do either a preview or post-PPV review thread for the matches themselves.
There is a very good reason for that. They way they built the card, there was very little to write about. Outside of the Tribute to the Undertaker itself, you had 1 mens and 1 womens Survivor Series type match, and a bunch of non-title champion vs. champion matches. Other than pride, nothing was at stake for the entire PPV, so it gave me very little reason to care about each individual match. I still watched the event, and the matches themselves were mostly decent...but, there was no purpose to any of it, because nothing substantial could happen. Absolutely nothing changed in the WWE between Sunday and today, so there wasn't much point in writing about matches that didn't matter at all. To that, using this year's card as an example, I have a few changes I would make to the event, in order to lend it gravitas, in order to give the matches actual consequences to be felt down the line... Change #1, for Survivor Series type elimination matches: All surviving members of the winning team automatically get a spot in January's Royal Rumble. You can only do the whole "Team RAW vs. Team Smackdown" pride angle for so long, but by putting something concrete at stake, there are real benefits for your team winning. Eliminated members from both teams can still earn entrance into the Royal Rumble through qualifying matches later, but the surviving members of the winning team are automatically entered. Change #2, for Champion vs. Champion matches: First, don't have them, unless you are willing to actually make them important, by putting both titles on the line. If you beat the other champion by pinfall or submission, you win their belt (same rules as standard title match, DQ/Countout doesn't cost champ his belt). You then have the choice to either keep your belt and stay on your same show, or vacate that belt in favor of the belt you just won, and move to the other show. Roman Reigns (Smackdown) beat Drew McIntyre (RAW), so in this case, he would leave the Survivor Series with both belts, and then tonight on RAW, would choose if he wants to move to RAW or stay on Smackdown, based on which title he vacates...The vacated title would then be up for grabs at TLC, the WWE's December PPV. Then, the show with the vacated title holds something like a tournament, battle royal, or other gimmick to determine who wrestles at TLC for that belt. The point is, make the matches actually mean something by putting something tangible at stake.
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While the Undertaker (real name Mark Calaway) somewhat formally retired after his Boneyard match against AJ Styles at Wrestlemania with comments he made during the "Last Ride" documentary series on WWE Network, the WWE will be honoring the Undertaker's career this year at Survivor Series (Nov. 22) to celebrate his 30th Anniversary with the WWE. In anticipation of that, here are some of the more memorable highlights to his WWE career. (He started out in World Class Championship Wrestling as Texas Red, and was later in WCW as Mean Mark Callous, but this is going to focus solely on his Undertaker character and WWE career.) Also, this is far from comprehensive, the man's career could span multiple books, these are just the ones that really stuck with me personally) The 1990 Survivor Series featured a 4 on 4 matchup between the Dream Team (Dusty Rhodes, Koko B. Ware, and the Hart Foundation, Bret Hart and Jim Neidhart), going up against the Million Dollar Team, made up of Ted DiBiase, the Honky Tonk Man, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, and a mystery teammate... The character was immediately a hit. The Undertaker, despite being a total gimmick character, struck a chord with the fans, and he got insanely over. So over, that exactly one year after debuting, The Undertaker got his first chance at WWF Gold, by taking on The Immortal Hulk Hogan at Survivor Series 1991. At age 26, Mark Calaway became the youngest WWF champion ever (at the time)...for 6 days, until Jack Tunney stripped him of the title, due to Ric Flair's actions. (This is the storyline that eventually led to the 1992 Royal Rumble being for the WWF Title, and not just for a guaranteed title shot at Wrestlemania, which of course, Ric Flair won, in one of the greatest Royal Rumble matches ever) He was out of the title picture for a while, feuding with various wrestlers, until early 1994, in which he "lost" a casket match against Yokozuna, and disappeared for over half of a year (due to the first serious injury of his career). But then, people started claiming they saw the Undertaker, and lo and behold, Ted DiBiase brought the Undertaker back...only, something wasn't right...It was an imposter (played by Brian Lee, Mark Calaway's cousin)...the Underfaker! One Summerslam match later, and the Undertaker was back, but this time, he added the iconic purple colors to his character's costume, replacing the grey gloves and boots. Skipping ahead, The Undertaker feuded with people, did some stuff, and started his feud with Mankind (Mick Foley). We haven't gotten to the HIAC match yet, be patient, that comes a little later. Next we get to Hell In A Cell. Sorry, still not that one...but rather, the FIRST one. The one at In Your House: Bad Blood, in 1997. Don't tell me you forgot all about that...because you really didn't. You just don't remember WHY you remember...we will get to that. First, OF COURSE the Undertaker was part of history, by being one of the wrestlers involved in the first ever HIAC match...His opponent? Who else but Shawn Michaels? Shawn Michaels was the European champ (remember when that was an actual thing?) and while I don't quite remember what led to their feud, somehow, It led to the creation of the first Hell In A Cell match. The match itself was history making just for that fact. Throw in the fact it was a really good match, between two future WWE legends, the Showstopper and the Dead Man, and it was guaranteed to be talked about...And yet, despite that being the first ever HIAC match, despite it being a classic matchup between Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker (more on those two later), there is an even bigger reason people remember that match from Badd Blood... That match also involved Vince McMahon giving us one of the most memorable quotes ever, from In Your House: Badd Blood of all places: "THAT'S GOTTA BE....THAT'S GOTTA BE KANE!!!!" And while they wouldn't team up for a while yet, this was the first time the Brothers of Destruction would be in the ring together. Whether as rivals or allies, you can't talk about the Undertaker's incredible career without also talking about Kane. Kane became an integral part of the Undertaker's career, giving him a complicated background story, giving him a credible threat who was just as invincible as he was, Kane was the perfect foil, and perfect friend to the Undertaker, at various points in his career. So that match gave us the first ever HIAC, it gave us a fabulous match between Taker and HBK, AND it introduced the character Kane, who enjoyed a 20 year run as the Dead Man's brother himself...Not bad, WWE...Not bad. Ok. NOW we get to the HIAC match you really care about, because when it comes to HIAC, it's the one everyone thinks of... Ok, now that we have gotten that over with, can we move on? Shortly after, the Undertaker changed his gimmick from the standard Undertaker/Deadman gimmick to the more satanic Ministry of Darkness version, where he dyed his hair black, wore nothing but black, and basically looked like a comic book villain. I didn't much care for this version of the Undertaker, and fortunately for me, it didn't last very long, only about a year...and then Mark Calaway abandoned the entire Undertaker character, except for the name itself, to become the American Bad Ass, or as I called him, the Underbiker. (Basically, it was Mark Calaway playing himself for the most part). Now, we are going to skip ahead quite a bit. Not that the Undertaker didn't do anything for the next decade, but rather this post is getting long, and there are two MAJOR things I have to cover yet... So...remember a bit ago, when I mentioned we would be talking about Shawn Michaels some more? Well, we are there now. There are some defining moments in a wrestler's career, and the Undertaker ended up with two of those moments, a year apart from each other, against the same opponent, at the same PPV. At Wrestlemania 25, Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker gave us one of the greatest Wrestlemania matches of all time. You guys know that I hold the IC title match at Wrestlemania III between Randy Savage and Ricky Steamboat as #1, but dammit, this match comes close...Two 44 year olds absolutely stole the damn show...and yet, that match isn't even the most signficant Undertaker/HBK match they would have...that would come a year later at Wrestlemania 26, in Shawn Michael's retirement match. Even knowing that HBK was retiring, knowing that Undertaker HAD to win, there was still a part of me that refused to accept that the Heartbreak Kid was done...But, if he is going to retire, honestly, who could retire Mr. Wrestlemania better than the Deadman? Outside of Triple H, the Undertaker, and the Undertaker alone, could have that honor. And on that note, I think I am going to wrap this up. I had to skip a lot of stuff, and quite honestly, The Undertaker's Wrestlemania Streak (and its end) deserves its own thread, not a mere blurb here. The streak was one of the defining characteristics of his entire career, it would be impossible to cover here, too big, to important to limit to a few paragraphs.
I remember seeing Mark Calaway in WCCW as Texas Red and as a young "Mean" Mark Callous when he was in WCW...If you had told me prior to his WWE debut, that someday, Mark Callous was going to be one of the most legendary, important wrestlers in history, that he would be one of the most respected, most accomplished wrestlers ever, that he would continue to have a meaningful wrestling career, in the biggest wrestling company on the planet until he was in his 50s, and is one of the few people in the world capable of changing Vince McMahon's mind about a wrestling idea, I would have laughed at you. And I would have been wrong. The Undertaker's career speaks for itself, and I hope that the WWE is going all out to celebrate it later this month...because he's earned the praise, he deserves it. The Undertaker character is dead, long live the Undertaker! 1. What did Han Solo say to the waiter who recommended the haddock?
Never sell me the cods! 2. Why didn’t any of Luke Skywalker’s marriages last? He always followed Obi-Wan’s advice: “Use divorce, Luke.” 3. What was Lando’s nickname before he became a skilled pilot? Crashdo. 4. Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns? So it doesn’t Hang Solow. 5. What is Admiral Ackbar's favorite type of music? Trap. 6.What do you call a rebel princess who only shops at Whole Foods? Leia Organic. 7. What do you call an eel that loves the new Star Wars trilogy? A More-Rey Eel. 8. Where did Luke get his cybernetic hand? The second hand store. 9. Where does Princess Leia shop for Father’s Day? At the Darth Maul. 10. Why couldn’t Luke find love? He was looking in Alderaan places. 11. What do you call two Han Solos singing together? Han Duet. 12. What did the dentist say to Luke Skywalker? May the floss be with you. 13. What did Leia’s adoptive parents say when she used to sleepwalk as a child? Uh-oh, it’s the rise of Skywalker. 14. What Star Wars character sells hotdogs? Admiral Snackbar. 15. How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side. 16. Why did the tapeworm stay far away from Palpatine? He didn’t want anyone to say he was in Sidious. 17. We don’t want to sound racist but... All stormtroopers look the same to us. 18. What did Darth Vader say when he walked into a vegetarian restaurant? “I find your lack of steak disturbing.” 19. What was Tarkin's favorite brand of toilet paper? Charmin to the last. 20. What does your Canadian friend cooking dinner for you have in common with the Empire from Star Wars? Pal-poutine. 21. How did Darth Vader cheat at poker? He kept altering the deal. 22. Stormtroopers in quarantine are like, “I miss people.” I’m not too sympathetic. They always miss people. 23. What did Darth Vader say to the Emperor at the Star Wars auction? “What is thy bidding, my master?” 24. What goes, “Ha, ha, ha, haaaa…. AGGGHHHH! Thump”? An Imperial Officer laughing at Darth Vader. 25. Why was Darth Vader bad at sports? He always choked. 26. How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for his birthday? He felt his presents! 27. Where does Kylo Ren get his creepy black clothes? From his closet. 28. No, I mean where does Kylo Ren buy his clothes? From the mall. I mean, have you seen how much Kylo Ren stuff they have there right now? 29. What position does Darth Vader play in baseball The Umpire. 30. What do you call C-3PO when he’s being a good listener? Hear-Threepio. 31. What is R2D2 short for? Because he has little legs. 32. What do you call an invisible droid? C-through-PO. 33. Did you know R2D2 loves to curse? They have to bleep out all his words. 34. Is BB hungry? No, BB-8. 35. Does R2D2 have any brothers? Nope, only transistors. 36. What do you need to reroute droids? R2-Detour. 37. Why was the droid angry? People kept pushing its buttons. 38. What do you call a droid that takes the long way around? R2 Detour. 39. Why is a droid mechanic never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends. 40. Why did movies 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3? Because in charge of directing, Yoda was. 41. What did Obi-Wan tell Luke when his young apprentice was having a difficult time using chopsticks at the Chinese restaurant? “Use the forks, Luke.” 42. What did Yoda ride as a kid? A do-cycle. Because there is no tri. 43. My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars. I said, “Please don’t go, honey. You’re the Obi-Wan for me.” 44. What do you call five Siths piled on top of a lightsaber? A Sith-Kabob. 45. Why do doctors make the best Jedi? Because a Jedi must have patience. 46. How long has Anakin Skywalker been evil? Since the Sith Grade. 47. Which Jedi became a rock star? Bon Jovi-Wan Kenobi. 48. What’s Yoda’s advice for going to the bathroom? Doo-doo or doo-doo-not-do. 49. Which program do Jedi use to open PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi. 50. Why shouldn’t you ask Yoda for money? He’s a little short. 51. What do you call a Sith who won’t fight? A Sithy 52. Who is short, green and plays the cello? Yo-Yo Da. 53. What do you call Kenobi triplets? Obi-Three. 54. What do you call a Jedi in denial? Obi-Wan Cannot Be. 55. What’s the difference between Boba Fett and a time machine operated by Marty McFly? One’s a Mandalorian, and the other’s a manned DeLorean. 56. I asked my wife to dress up as a bounty hunter from Star Wars. I have a Boba fettish. 57. Jabba the Hut is fat. How fat is he? He’s so fat, Obi Wan took a closer look and said, “That’s no moon.” 58. What was General Grievous’ favorite band? Weezer. 59. What do you get if you mix a bounty hunter with a tropical fruit? Mango Fett. 60. How do Tusken Raiders cheat on their taxes? They always single file, to hide their numbers. 61. What is Jabba the Hutt’s middle name? The. 62. I went to a sale at the Maul. Everything was half off. 63. I put on a porn movie for Han and Greedo. I’ll let you know. 64. Any space smuggler will tell you, never try the blue milk at the Mos Eisley cantina. It’ll give you the Kessel runs for twelve parsecs. 65. Which website did Chewbacca get arrested for creating? Wookieeleaks. 66. How does Wicket get around Endor? Ewoks. 67. What’s Jar Jar Binks’ favorite meal? Miso soup. 68. How do you unlock doors on Kashyyyk? With a woo-key. 69. What do Jawas have that no other creatures in the galaxy has? Baby Jawas. 70. What side of an Ewok has the most hair? The outside. 71. Star Wars fans don't smoke cigarettes after sex. They chew ‘bacca 72. Did you know Fozzie Bear was in Star Wars? He was an Ewokka-wokka! 73. Where do Gungans store their fruit preserves? Jar Jars. 74. Have you tried the gluten-free Wookiee treats? I heard they’re a little Chewy. 75. An Ewok strolls into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a whisky and… soda.” The bartender says, “Sure thing—but why the little pause?” “Dunno,” says the Ewok. “I’ve had them all my life.” 76. What’s the internal temperature of a Tauntaun? Lukewarm. 77. How do you stir fry on Endor? With an e-wok. 78. Why did Chewbacca get sent back down to play minor league baseball? He was making too many Wookiee mistakes. 79. How do Ewoks communicate over long distances? With Ewokie Talkies. 80. Why should you never tell jokes on the Falcon? The ship might crack up. 81. Why are Death Star pilots fed up with space battles? Because they always end up in a TIE. 82. What’s a rebel’s favorite TV talent show? X-wing Factor. 83. I saw a falcon eating avocado toast. Guess it’s a millennial falcon. 84. What kind of spaceship did Luke fly in grade school? An ABC-Wing. 85. What do you call an over-powered janitorial stormtrooper in the Death Star? A Super Duper Pooper Trooper. 86. Why is a gossip website like the Imperial Fleet? They’re both full of star destroyers. 87. What time is it when an AT-AT steps on your chronometer? Time to get a new chronometer. 88. Why was the Millennium Falcon easier to fly after The Force Awakens? It’s now Hans free. 89. How did they get between floors on the Death Star? In the ele-Vader. 90. The Star Wars text crawl walks into a bar. “Get outta my pub!” the bartender yells. “We don’t serve your type here.” 91. Warning: Star Wars spoilers! Voosh voosh pew pew pew voosh voosh pew pew voosh force choke voosh pew pew pew 92. Oh, sure everyone loves Star Wars on May 4th... Until you tell your nephew you’re his father! 93. So my friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favorite Star Wars character. You should’ve seen the Luke on her face. 94. What sound do Yoda’s sheep make? Day go baaa. 95. I found out I was colorblind by watching Star Wars. I couldn’t see the green screen. 96. What do you call a Sarlacc Pit that only speaks in ironic mockery? A Sar-chasm. 97. Did you know Chuck Norris was in every Star Wars movie? He played the Force. 98. What do you call a redneck Star Wars fan? Bubba Fett. 99. Trying to come up with jokes about Star Wars is difficult. Sometimes they seem a bit too forced. |
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February 2021
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